Therein Lies the Rub

It often takes me a while to organize my thoughts and when I do, it's usually through the form of creative expression. If you read this blog (first of all, I just want to say, "Sorry."), this "creative expression" will probably be through a poem. So if you read my poems and say to yourself that it lacks rhyme, rhythm, or if you wanna be fancy, iambic pentameter, you're probably right. Well, I have two responses to that. First, if you know me at all, you should know I have no internal rhythm...at all. It's really sad. Maintaining a simple beat eludes me like a decent commercial eludes the campaigns of Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman. Second, these poems are meant for me to disclose general feelings I have, which is easier to do through short, staccato phrases rather than long sentences.

And therein lies the rub. It's hard for me to express myself specifically because...well, I don't know. I can tell you how I feel in general, but it's extremely difficult for me to be specific - even in face to face interaction. Disclosure has been an issue I've constantly dealt with ever since I was a kid and I wished that it was a part of me I could change. I don't like being that brooding kid in the corner all the time (sometimes, I must admit, it's fun). I used to think that it's because I just needed to find the right person who could "get" me, who could accept it. But I think these past few months, I've been given ample time to really identify this, I suppose you could call it anxiety that I've been feeling. I think we all look for acceptance but maybe I'm one of the few who looks for it more than others, but rarely will I ask for it. Why should you ask for acceptance, right? Shouldn't people just "get" it?

The practical me says "No." You really shouldn't because people can't read minds - sure, they can get to know you better but even then, you can't depend on people to validate you all the time. They have their own needs and own lives to lead. And yet, even though I know this, there's that brooding kid. Who starves for that attention. Who probably needs to grow up and start validating himself.

Here's hoping he will soon.