Scanned Poem I Wrote...Don't Know How Long Ago

The top "stanza" is just a bunch of words for stimulation...I think.

Malibu

A few days ago, I took a drive down the Pacific Coast Highway (PCH), passing through Malibu. It was about 2:30 AM and here are my observations, in no discernible order:

1.One thing about L.A. that you learn to live with is the crowdedness. Can't be helped. So it was absolutely bizarre driving down the empty roads of Wilshire, hitting Santa Monica Beach, and heading down the PCH. Almost 10 million people live in the L.A. County and whodathunkit - you can actually feel and be alone for a brief period.

2. The PCH is a winding road after a while - it would be hell in traffic but it's a great drive with no cars. Ditto for Sunset Blvd, which I took on the drive back.

3. Driving to nowhere in particular isn't the best form of catharsis for me, possibly because of my immense fear of getting lost.

4. The sound of waves at night is terrifying when all you can see is the darkness.

5. Corinne Bailey Rae's The Sea is the album of choice.

Therein Lies the Rub

It often takes me a while to organize my thoughts and when I do, it's usually through the form of creative expression. If you read this blog (first of all, I just want to say, "Sorry."), this "creative expression" will probably be through a poem. So if you read my poems and say to yourself that it lacks rhyme, rhythm, or if you wanna be fancy, iambic pentameter, you're probably right. Well, I have two responses to that. First, if you know me at all, you should know I have no internal rhythm...at all. It's really sad. Maintaining a simple beat eludes me like a decent commercial eludes the campaigns of Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman. Second, these poems are meant for me to disclose general feelings I have, which is easier to do through short, staccato phrases rather than long sentences.

And therein lies the rub. It's hard for me to express myself specifically because...well, I don't know. I can tell you how I feel in general, but it's extremely difficult for me to be specific - even in face to face interaction. Disclosure has been an issue I've constantly dealt with ever since I was a kid and I wished that it was a part of me I could change. I don't like being that brooding kid in the corner all the time (sometimes, I must admit, it's fun). I used to think that it's because I just needed to find the right person who could "get" me, who could accept it. But I think these past few months, I've been given ample time to really identify this, I suppose you could call it anxiety that I've been feeling. I think we all look for acceptance but maybe I'm one of the few who looks for it more than others, but rarely will I ask for it. Why should you ask for acceptance, right? Shouldn't people just "get" it?

The practical me says "No." You really shouldn't because people can't read minds - sure, they can get to know you better but even then, you can't depend on people to validate you all the time. They have their own needs and own lives to lead. And yet, even though I know this, there's that brooding kid. Who starves for that attention. Who probably needs to grow up and start validating himself.

Here's hoping he will soon.

At Ease

Putting pen to paper

I want to say

Nothing. Nevermind.

Forget I said anything

Let me put your mind at ease.

I haven’t thought about you

on quiet days and cold mornings.

You never slipped in to say hello

Because deep down, it wasn’t you

Merely an idea.

These shadows of you and me

All part of a ruse

A home that never existed.

Finding Nemo

I repeat to myself,
"Just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin
...But Dory, I'm tired of swimmin
Because I don't know how to."

Untitled

"I was in the midst of a dark enigma, one that I could so easily fall into and get lost in all its mystery, filled with inexplicable love and devotion yet a quiet solitude in the midst of friends."